Monday, 16 October 2017

Rugby League expansion plan that's out of this world!

Bullshit: "We're going to Mars,
It's going to Happen!"
It has been revealed today that the RFL has accepted an offer from another non-UK franchise bid to play its way through the league structure and into Super League.

Backed by an unknown consortium of secret billionaires, the bid comes ahead of mankind’s attempt to colonise Mars - in a remarkable move to become the universe’s first interplanetary Rugby League team.

Fronting the Mars Rugby League bid is Yorkshire entrepreneur and serial fantasist Barry Bullshit who told anyone who’d listen: “This is an exciting development for the game. Mars is an untapped market and - as first to establish the game there, we have an entire planet to go at."

The consortium is backed by two unnamed investors who will provide an initial $10m of funding.

The Red Planet awaits:
Only a two year trip.
Mars Rugby League - much like the Wolfpack -  intend starting in League 1, as opposed to automatic entry into Super League or the Championship. Like Toronto, they would pay for all visiting teams’ costs, including space flights, accommodation and travel.

The journey to Mars is expected to take two years, hence Mars Rugby League will play their games in two-year blocks, staring with two years on Earth. Whilst on Earth, they will be based in Heckmondwike.

Barry Bullshit has  confirmed he has had discussions with Super League Europe about taking a top-flight ‘space-flight’ game to Mars to whet the planet’s appetite for Rugby League - as soon as technology makes it possible to actually get back alive.

“Should we be accepted, we’d like to take a Super League game there,” he said. “We’ve spoken to one or two about it. Toronto are very keen, but we'll probably play it in Toulouse: like Mars, it's a ball-ache to get there and it has very little atmosphere."

An un-named representative for the investors said: “To make it a reality, the initial investment will be significant and we’re willing to cover it fully. After that we intend to be self-sufficient. Or dead. It’s a risk we’re willing to take.”
The Mars Rugby League jersey:
the only thing they'll launch this year

The team would play home games at the Valles Marineris (“Pretty flat, not too many craters, better than Whitebank used to be”) with the consortium confident they would be able to attract crowds in the region.

The concept will be put to clubs in the coming weeks and, when they’ve stopped laughing, it  will be forwarded to the RFL’s board for ratification/putting in the bin.

Barry Bullshit says that he plans to work closely throughout the process with Matt Damon, who was Oscar nominated for his role in The Martian. Damon said: “I’ve not actually been to Mars, but I have worn a space-suit and run around the desert in it. It’s much the same thing. I have however been to Heckmondwike and if my experience of that will help, that’ll be champion.”

The consortium intend for a significant portion of their eventual squad to be Martian-born - but until then they’ll be waving cash at ex-Leigh players and NRL has-beens.

Mars: Heavily sanded...
“If we go in at League 1, which is the plan, we’d want a squad of around 30 with a desire to risk their lives on a frankly ludicrous exercise” Bullshit said. “We’ve got a responsibility to ourselves and the planet of Mars to perform up there, but we’ve also got a responsibility to the game in the wider universe. We look forward to running rings round Saturn, or getting stuck into Uranus.”

He went on: "We've already launched our shirt - which puts us ahead of the New York bid. The Mars project is already more realistic. The countdown starts here"

Jarryd Hayne said: “I’ve always wanted my career to die needlessly in a Rugby League vacuum - that’s why I went to Gold Coast Titans”.

Friday, 29 September 2017

The One Sentence 2017 Season Review

Here it is: the 2017 season reviewed in single-sentence excerpts taken from our weekly match reports. You have to admit - it’s been a hell of a journey. Let's do it all again next year. Enjoy

Hornets 18 - Salford 44
“Lewis Galbraith hit the afterburners in pursuit and, as O’Brien gathered in the ball, Galbraith pulled the trigger on an impeccably-timed sledgehammer of a tackle that left the crowd shuddering. “

Law Cup: Oldham 12 - Hornets 24
“Oldham ended the game in ignominy as Tyson pointlessly swung punches after the hooter, earning a red-card.”

Hornets 22 - Warrington 24
“Hornets were forcing errors on a scratchy Wire attack, and when Joe Taira landed a lump-hammer of a fend to flatten Philbin on 19 minutes, you could feel the momentum shift.”

Hornets 46 - Dewsbury 0
“Hornets had a flawless 100% completion rate for the first 30 minutes and Dewsbury just couldn’t live with their level of intensity.”

Bradford Bulls 14 - Hornets 22
“Don’t be fooled by the scoreline: Bradford didn’t break Hornets defensive line once in 80 minutes with ball in hand. “

Hornets 18 - Hull KR 28
“With 5 minutes to go, Hornets were in the hunt for the win - their frankly stunning performance busting the myth that the top-end of Championship is somehow a legitimate stepping stone to the nirvana of Super League.”

Hornets 6 - Halifax 20
“Amidst a tsunami of dropped ball, fumbled passes, forced plays and frankly awful penalties, Hornets somehow also found time to spurn four penalties within kickable range AND find themselves reduced to eleven men”

Featherstone 9 - Hornets 10
“… how’s your drop goal looking now, Featherstone?”

Hornets 26 - Oldham 26
“…  this was a fracturted, flawed, fragmented Hornets display in which they seemed compelled to produce every error in the book…”

Challenge Cup: York 26 - Hornets 20
“Hornets retired to the sheds 20-12 down for what we imagine was a frank exchange of views.”

Batley 38 - Hornets 36
“Rugby League puts fans through the emotional wringer, but this was a proper kick in the proverbial spuds. Batley were nowhere near this game for vast periods of time…”

Hornets 18 - Sheffield 42
“The most ardent purist would have struggled to appreciate this dog-ugly turd of a game.”

Swinton 23 - Hornets 22
"Sucked into a shit-fight by a Swinton side desperate for only its second win of the season, Hornets' discipline crumbled to leave 12 men clinging to the wreckage of a draw as late as the 73rd minute.

Hull KR 24 - Hornets 16
“A trip to East Hull is very much like peering down a microscope: you may be vastly outnumbered by the simple life-forms you see, but life at both ends is very, very different.”

Hornets 8 - Featherstone 38
“Had we been neutral observers, their first-half performance would have been impressive - but for those of us with an emotional investment, it was a challenging watch.”

Halifax 28 - Hornets 2
“The second quarter of the game was fundamentally Hornets mounting a rear-guard defensive action against a Halifax side that repeatedly found new and inventive ways to squander scoring opportunities.”

Summer Bash: Oldham 28 - Hornets 38
“The last 15 minutes saw an increasingly impotent Oldham jab flaccidly at the Hornets defence with little sign of any meaningful intent.”

Sheffield 38 - Hornets 14
“… it was said on the way back to the car that if we’d stiffed Lo after his first try, we might’ve won it with 12.”

Toulouse 56 - Hornets 16
“Just past the hour Hornets forced a drop-out when a great kick behind the defence forced Khierallah's arse to prolapse.”

Hornets 28 - Bulls 14
“From the drop-out, Jo Taira took the ball at pace and - from 40 metres - blasted his way through the Bulls' defence, stepping hapless fullback Thomas on his way under the black dot for a try that lifted the roof.”

Hornets 14 - Batley 24
“This was a victory for experience over endeavour as the low-geared visitors bulldozed their way around the park leaving a trail of elbows, knees and niggle in pretty much every tackle.”

Dewsbury 40 - Hornets 10
“For 25 minutes, Hornets' quite exceptional travelling support was treated to a spectacular self-immolation of errors, penalties, missed tackles and chaos.”

Hornets 33 - Swinton 28
“Panic in the Swinton ranks saw the ball deflected into the hands of Rob Massam, who pinned back his ears and crashed through his opposite number to score by the flag. Bedlam!”

Hornets 18 - London Broncos 58
“ All very perfunctory. The London fans banged their drum, sang about Super League and retired to the bar.”

Oldham 24 - Hornets 34
“Jono Smith produced an audacious reverse pass you could get an Arts Council grant for, to send the impressive Dec Kay in for a great try”

Dewsbury 56 - Hornets 8
“The afternoon had the sense of dread about it when Dewsbury opened the scoring on 6 minutes from a pass so far forward it appeared as if through a wormhole in the in-goal…”

Hornets 14 - Batley 34
“In the end, this pig-ugly scrapyard brawl of a game was one that Hornets were never likely to win.“

Toulouse 50 - Hornets 12
“If it were us running a club that opted to play at 8pm, we'd have sent someone along in the afternoon to flick the switch and check that the lights were working.”

Hornets 24 - Oldham 30
“All the components of your regular Hornets/Oldham derby turned up to eleven and laden with the almost unbearable weight of expectation…”

Hornets 16 - Swinton 8
“On 48 minutes, the dam cracked: Dec Kay embarking on a big looping run across the face of the Swinton defence, stepping inside defenders to plant the ball down.”

Sheffield 26 - Hornets 22
“While emotions in the moment were raw with disappointment, they were countered with the deep satisfaction that Hornets had secured Championship status for 2018.

Bradford 72 - Hornets 16
“… a big shout to the Hornets travelling support who have been superb all season. Though we may have come in a taxi, at least next season it won’t be a taxi to South Wales. See ya Bradford.”