By our media correspondent Ed Tackle
Today was the official Kingstone Press Championship 2014 launch at Media City. Needless to say the RFL crashed out a press release excitedly heralding the most fantastically awesome season in the history of Rugby League restructuring. Not since 1995's switch to summer/Super League have we read such propagandist hyperbole. So we fed the press release through our patented Bullshit Translator to identify the true meaning behind the hype.
The Kingstone Press Championships season is set to be the most exciting and captivating of all time after details of promotion and relegation were confirmed.
(Half of the league will be crapping themselves at the thought of going to Oxford and Neath to play in front of 200 people)
Both competitions, Championship and Championship One, are to undergo major change at the end of 2014 as the sport prepares to embrace new league structures from 2015, when the top two divisions will each comprise 12 clubs.
(We're screwing over five championship clubs and the whole of Championship 1 because Super League told us to)
Before then the new season, which kicks off with a full round of Championship fixtures this weekend, will feature some of the most dramatic action in the competition’s history.
(Those clubs whose grasp exceeds their reach will be blowing cash they don't have to scramble into the top 9 - and we'll stand back and watch the car-crash unfold)
From Sunday February 16, the 14 Kingstone Press Championship clubs will battle it out over 26 rounds to secure the top nine finish they need to retain their place in the Championship.
(Dance, panic-monkeys, dance)
Eight of the top nine clubs will then go in to a play-off series culminating in a title-deciding Grand Final. The five clubs finishing the season in 10th to 14th positions will be relegated into Championship One
(We couldn't work out a top nine playoff, but the club that finishes 9th will be too delirious to care)
The Championship One season kicks off on Sunday March 2 and will conclude with a five-team play-off involving the clubs finishing in first to fifth positions at the end of the regular season. The play-offs climax with a Grand Final, the winners of which will be crowned champions and promoted into the Kingstone Press Championship in 2015.
(We came up with this idea in the lift. That the team finishing top of Ch.1 should replace a team finishing 10th in the Championship - they'll make excellent cannon-fodder in 2015)
Full details of the promotion and relegation format and other issues were presented to the Kingstone Press Championships clubs at a meeting at Featherstone on Thursday (February 6).
(A fait accompli was presented to the Kingstone Press Championships clubs at a meeting at Featherstone)
RFL Chief Operating Office Ralph Rimmer said: “It was a momentous meeting and as such it was very pleasing that all the clubs in attendance made a full and candid contribution"
(I didn't hear any complaints: I had my fingers in my ears going 'La-la-la')
“The return of promotion and relegation across the three top divisions from 2015 has been welcomed by everyone and the Championships clubs remain genuinely enthusiastic about the new structures that will deliver a fully integrated competition"
(Someone's going to go bust by chucking money they don't have at an unrealistic Super League ambition - well, it's worked for Bradford. Twice!)
“The clubs were provided with, and accepted, details of the financial distributions that will be in place from next season, when the sport enters an exciting new era"
(The clubs were told 'like it or lump it' - especially the ones most likely to make-up the bottom five)
“We were also able to confirm that we are exploring alternatives to the broadcasting arrangements for the Kingstone Press Championships for 2014 following the withdrawal of Premier Sport.”
(We pissed off Premier by sucking up to Sky behind their backs, so they told us to f*ck-off. Now we're pleading with Sky to show the Grand Final)
"The 2014 Kingstone Press Championship season comprises 26 rounds and concludes with the title-deciding Grand Final over the weekend of October 4-5 at a venue still to be confirmed"
(We have no date and no venue confirmed for the Grand Finals - we're awesome)