Monday, 16 October 2017

Rugby League expansion plan that's out of this world!

Bullshit: "We're going to Mars,
It's going to Happen!"
It has been revealed today that the RFL has accepted an offer from another non-UK franchise bid to play its way through the league structure and into Super League.

Backed by an unknown consortium of secret billionaires, the bid comes ahead of mankind’s attempt to colonise Mars - in a remarkable move to become the universe’s first interplanetary Rugby League team.

Fronting the Mars Rugby League bid is Yorkshire entrepreneur and serial fantasist Barry Bullshit who told anyone who’d listen: “This is an exciting development for the game. Mars is an untapped market and - as first to establish the game there, we have an entire planet to go at."

The consortium is backed by two unnamed investors who will provide an initial $10m of funding.

The Red Planet awaits:
Only a two year trip.
Mars Rugby League - much like the Wolfpack -  intend starting in League 1, as opposed to automatic entry into Super League or the Championship. Like Toronto, they would pay for all visiting teams’ costs, including space flights, accommodation and travel.

The journey to Mars is expected to take two years, hence Mars Rugby League will play their games in two-year blocks, starting with two years on Earth. Whilst on Earth, they will be based in Heckmondwike.

Barry Bullshit has  confirmed he has had discussions with Super League Europe about taking a top-flight ‘space-flight’ game to Mars to whet the planet’s appetite for Rugby League - as soon as technology makes it possible to actually get back alive.

“Should we be accepted, we’d like to take a Super League game there,” he said. “We’ve spoken to one or two about it. Toronto are very keen, but we'll probably play it in Toulouse: like Mars, it's a ball-ache to get there and it has very little atmosphere."

An un-named representative for the investors said: “To make it a reality, the initial investment will be significant and we’re willing to cover it fully. After that we intend to be self-sufficient. Or dead. It’s a risk we’re willing to take.”
The Mars Rugby League jersey:
the only thing they'll launch this year

The team would play home games at the Valles Marineris (“Pretty flat, not too many craters, better than Whitebank used to be”) with the consortium confident they would be able to attract crowds in the region.

The concept will be put to clubs in the coming weeks and, when they’ve stopped laughing, it  will be forwarded to the RFL’s board for ratification/putting in the bin.

Barry Bullshit says that he plans to work closely throughout the process with Matt Damon, who was Oscar nominated for his role in The Martian. Damon said: “I’ve not actually been to Mars, but I have worn a space-suit and run around the desert in it. It’s much the same thing. I have however been to Heckmondwike and if my experience of that will help, that’ll be champion.”

The consortium intend for a significant portion of their eventual squad to be Martian-born - but until then they’ll be waving cash at ex-Leigh players and NRL has-beens.

Mars: Heavily sanded...
“If we go in at League 1, which is the plan, we’d want a squad of around 30 with a desire to risk their lives on a frankly ludicrous exercise” Bullshit said. “We’ve got a responsibility to ourselves and the planet of Mars to perform up there, but we’ve also got a responsibility to the game in the wider universe. We look forward to running rings round Saturn, or getting stuck into Uranus.”

He went on: "We've already launched our shirt - which puts us ahead of the New York bid. The Mars project is already more realistic. The countdown starts here"

Jarryd Hayne said: “I’ve always wanted my career to die needlessly in a Rugby League vacuum - that’s why I went to Gold Coast Titans”.